Hi, I’m Jim Lehrer from the News Hour, which if Mitt Romney gets a hold of it would be the News Ten Minutes, much of it a Waltons’ special where the family reunites and eats a holiday dinner of stuffed roasted Big Bird, not to mention what will happen to that Little red Elmo. Tonight’s debate will be divided into 5 parts. The first 15 minutes will be about the economy and that will last approximately 45 minutes. The second part will also be about the economy and you won’t be able to tell the difference between that and the first part. This will go on also for 15 minutes if Einstein’s theory of relativity is correct and you travel 7 times the speed of light in which case it will seem like only 15 minutes have gone by, although when you land you will be witnessing live coverage of the Lincoln-Douglas debates, which by the way, I also moderated. The third part of the debate will feature me haplessly trying to end the second part of the debate by making faces and maniacally shaking my fists and then rolling about on the floor in a vain attempt to get attention. In the 4th part of the debate I will leave the stage, go downstairs to the vending machine, get a Nestle’s Crunch bar and stand there eating it until someone misses me and comes downstairs looking for me. In the 5th part of the debate, we will change topics from the economy to the economy and I will ask questions while the candidates walk all over me and then start jumping up and down on my sad prostrate form while chanting “don’t pile on the rabbit.” The final part of the debate will be a spinoff of Modern Family where I will play addled but lovable Uncle Ernie who tries to separate a bickering gay interracial couple who constantly argue about the truth of things they just make up. We ask the audience to not laugh, cry, applaud, boo, pay attention, stay awake, or wonder what they’re missing right now on the Food Network. Each candidate will have 2 minutes to answer a question I ask that will be so broad and nonspecific that it could not possibly be answered in 7 hours. Then the other candidate will have 1 minute to think of ways to extend is answer by 10 minutes. If a candidate goes over the time limit I will sit here as still as I can like a cat who sees a carrier taken out of the closet and knows he’ll be taken to the vet if anyone notices him. If anyone cries out, “hey Jim, wake up”, I’ll wait until some other guy named Jim in the audience says something. It’s the nice thing about being named Jim. There’s always another Jim. After the 5 parts of the debate each of you will have two minutes to mock me, answer something I never asked or snuff out cigarettes on my forehead. Before we start I want to thank the University of Denver for allowing me to be in such a beautiful and peaceful place to see my career die. I feel something like Edward G Robinson in Soylent Green. Now the first question goes to President Obama who has sent an empty shell of a body to the debate tonight. Mr. President, since whatever I ask you’re going to prattle on about your anniversary anyway, let me just ask you, do you wish your wife a happy anniversary or not. Governor Romney, you’ll then have the chance to ask President Obama about his anniversary, and then you’ll each have however long you want to throw out random made up numbers. I’m Jim Lehrer. Just let me know when the guy from Domino’s shows up.