Nearly Normal

Purged

I've been on a purging streak the last couple of weeks - the pantry, the spice cabinet, the stairway bookshelves and the living room bookshelves.  It's been very cleansing.  Kitchen stuff and duplicate spices given away, a carton of books to go to the used bookstore and a large bag to go to the friends of the library.  Left in the house to tackle the bedroom bookshelf and the huge pile of books on the floor in front of it and my closet.  I've lost almost 30 pounds so I know there's stuff that will no longer fit YEAH.  

Then comes the big tackle outside.  The great wall of Mill Creek is covered in wild blackberries yummy to eat but not pleasing on my gardener eye.  In fact the entire area around the house is full of blackberries.  That's what comes of living in the forest.  Any time you rest the blackberries invade.  Little does Larry know that he's going to weed eat the hill so I can Round Up the lovely berries.

I'm able to do all this because I've spent the last four years on Dr. Sanity's couch reclaiming my life after the nasty depression.  Yes for talk therapy and psych drugs.

Depression

or the blessed lack there of.  I've battled it for years now, to the edge of suicide more than once and back.  I never want to hear anyone say "oh you can just snap out of it".  No, you can't trust me I tried my very best to snap out of it.  With the help of a wonderful therapist and drugs depression is at bay.  I won't say it's behind me because I don't think that's true.  But it doesn't control my life like it has in the past.  It's nice to see color again, worry about my garden again, want to participate in life again.

Bless you Dr. Sanity and Abilify without the 2 of you I wouldn't be here. 

Just what is normal?

That's what Dr. Sanity and I explored this week.  After cancer, perforated bowel,  Larry's gator trick and Mason's death  I feel that I'm finally getting myself back, you know, nearly normal.  Whatever that means.

Dr. Sanity suggested that normal is an ever changing thing.  I decided that normal means whatever you decide it means and can only belong to you.   No one else can decide what your normal is, they just need to worry about getting their own normal.  

 

I love and appreciate myself - quote from my 2012 calendar

Um, not so much. 

I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm not a consistently good friend to my oldest and dearest friends.  Ther is always a book to be read or a garment to be knitted that comes before doing what I really need to do.  But I'm working on it.  Dr. Sanity as commented that I'm very hard on myself and I acknowledge that I set standards for myself that I don't expect others to meet.  I think that I was so sick as a kid that I wanted to be perfect in every other way so I wouldn't take even more attention from my sisters that I already did.

So here we go launching 2012 looking toward fulfilling as those New Year's goals.  70 pounds to go, 3 days of exercise a week to institute, more time on Dr. Sanity's couch so I can grow to love my self.  Also need to keep working on the not humble, tolerent or patient thing which is getting much better but still has room to go. 

$981 for one month?????????

Yes because I'm now in the Medicare drug gap $981 is what I must pay for 5 prescriptions for 1 month's worth of said prescriptions.  My portion of the gap is a total of $3500.  That's the amount I must pay before my medicare drug plan kicks in again.  So far I've forgone 2 prescriptions because of the cost, the result a runny nose and stuffed up ears.  I've forked out $ 500 for 1 prescription I can't stop taking or things would be ugly around here.  Like leaving Larry and Dr. Sanity letters and heading out to the ocean to drown ugly.

Fortunately the clock resets January 1, but in a bid to make my prescriptions cheaper and my gap smaller I have the priviledge of paying a $99 premium rather than a $20 premium.  This premium is of course separate from the $300 I must pay Medicare (thank you American Express*) AND the $249 Medigap coverage I have.

We need insurance company reform along with healthcare reform.  Healthcare reform on it's own will be a joke unless the insurance companies are forced in line.  All health insurance companies should be non-profit.

Just another reason why I hate George Bush.

 

*I am disabled from American Express.  Last year they decided that I must get Medicare or some other form of insurance,  BWAAA HAAA.  I'd been told that Medicare premiums were about $120 a month.  Not bad I thought and even with the Medigap premium I'd be saving about $100 a month on insurance.  NOT SO FAST because there's a catch in Medicare if you're under 65 which I am.  I must pay the regular Medicare premium IN ADDITION to a $170 penalty because of my age.

Like butter in a hot skillet

That's a apt description for my nerves tonight, sizzling at the edges.  You see I have my 6 month breast ultrasound tomorrow.  Now intellectually I know that the scan won't show anything it shouldn't but my nerves are not quite so easily convinced.

This afternoon I talked to Dr. Sanity and assured her I had talked myself out of being scared about tomorrow.  I just forgot to tell my nerve endings and my stomach.  Let's see the countdown ends 19 hours exactly (as I type) tomorrow.  Then thankfully an appointment with Dr. Sanity follows.  God bless Dr. Sanity she really does keep me sane, well she and Abilify.

There goes the sun

We've been having some unseasonably early rain starting last Friday.  With it went my mood, tomatoes and more than a few unharvested grapes.

I'm not ready for Winter or being cold and wet for days on end.  It amazed me how much the weather change effected my mood.  It made me very grumpy and unpleasant.  The cats drove me crazy sitting on me and bathing themselves, I couldn't knit right I must have pulled the same set of stitches out 5 times in the course of an hour.  Fortunately a visit to Dr. Sanity helped me a bit.

The property is not selling, I know it's only been listed for a month and it's been shown dozens of times but no offer yet.  Other unbloggable depressing things going on that I have no control over.  Lets face it we all know that I have a problem with not being in control!

The sun is supposed to be back this weekend.  I can't wait.

The new cause

Since I'm a breast cancer survivor and was part of the Advisory Council at the Breast Care it's time for a new cause.

As such I was asked to be a member of a Survivorship focus group to address cancer after care.

When you have cancer you're wrapped up in diagnosis, treatment, the will to live.  You have support all around you.  Your team of doctors, nurses, etc.  Once you're done you're left hanging.  You learn to deal with the what the hell happened to me and my life is changed for ever all on your own with no road map.  Some people choose to go it alone, some people get a therapist like my much loved Dr. Sanity.

The SFG is working on developing a program which follows people after their diagnosis to watch for long term effects of cancer treatment.  Like how's your head, the possible long term effects of your treatment, to your chances of getting cancer again.

It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.