Well, it's not going to kill you

Ok so maybe I'm not THAT bad off

Because I read this today and went ballistic. 

The Bush administration is up to its old tricks again, quietly putting ideology before science and women's health. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is poised to put in place new barriers to accessing common forms of contraception like birth control pills, emergency contraception and IUDs by labeling them "abortion."

 I emailed the Shrub House and sent the link to this poll, of course I'm sure it will never get close to His Highness but it made me feel better.  88,000 plus people have voted and the vast majority disagree with him, 11 % agree, but I'm fairly certain that it will not change his very warped mind.

What is it with the religious right?  Why do they feel the need to tell the rest of us how to live our lives?  If you believe abortion is wrong don't have one but no one, even the current resident, has the right to tell other people what to do with their bodies.  It is still the law of the land even if he disagrees. 

OK, this is just creepy

I'm catching up on the news today and went to the white house website to email Shrub.  This came up as the lead on the page.

Today is July 23, in the Year of America's Lord Jesus Christ 2008

Note this link will most likely bring up something else tomorrow.

I've never noticed that before.  I typed in Whitehouse.org rather than whitehouse. gov

I'm still here

Just not feeling like talking.  I've got an appt with the therapist tomorrow hopefully I'll be feeling a bit more chipper after that.

The pit beckons

it's opened up it's creaky door and said "won't you come in?"  No actually I'd prefer no too, thank you very much.

But I'm right on the edge.  It will take a few more days until the increase dose of antidepressants kicks in therefore being on the edge.  I can't even work up the energy to pick up the phone and call the therapist.  How sad is that?

I realized last night at the concert on the Plaza, good band by the way, that I'm sort of hovering around the edges of life these days.  Rather than actively being engaged in what  I'm doing I'm existing.  And the glasses have started looking really tempting in the break me cut yourself kind of way  It not in the sense that I'll really do it, just that the idea pops up when I'm in a bad way.

I really need to call the therapist because I know that's a bad sign for me.  My mind is knocking on my brain saying "excuse me, wtf is going on in here?"  The big internal debate is whether to call my regular therapist whom I've felt a  bit "off" with lately but she takes my insurance or to call a new therapist I know who doesn't take my insurance.  It's a sad state of affairs when you have to weigh your mental health against the cost of your insurance.

That does not apply to you

Amy said that a lot on Monday.  Turns out most of the questions I had about research were irrelevant because , surprise, they don't study cancer like mine. By a combination of timing and new technology my tumor was really, really, really small.

Most research is done on larger tumors and later stage cancers.  Again I think I'll be my own study group.

I'm not certain how I feel about not having the type of cancer that doesn't get studied.  I tend to thrive on facts and with no facts available I feel a bit lost.

DOA liberal's sense of humor?

Oh please God no.  This is the front cover for the New Yorker magazine this week.  I find it hysterically funny.  Hello, people have brains.  MOST of them realize it's a spoof.  Or at least I think most of them realize it's a spoof.

Of course there was that one women on CNN (sorry can't find the link) last week who said she didn't like the candidate because he was a Muslim.  Unfortunately a confirmation that there are many, many, many stupid and/or gullible people in our country.

WAIT, that explains how Shrub got re-elected!

Still haven't soaked my foot.  Keep reading the news.

Will someone explain to me why????

Celebrity baby photos are worth millions?  Why celebrities or sports figures or news casters are worth millions?

Why not teachers, fire fighters, police officers?  The real important people in the world.  Why do CEO's and CFO's makes 100's if not 1000's more than the company employees.  Why do the crooks get golden parachutes while we taxpayers get stuck with the bailout?  Because you know a bailout is on the way for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, it has to be done or the mortgage and banking systems will collapse.

NOW off to soak my staphy foot.

No wonder you feel like crap

Thus spoke the learned Dr. Shaw this evening.  My appointment was really at 2, however I got stuck in traffic and didn't make it to her office until 2:25.  She couldn't see me.  I just broke down in tears.  I've been holding on for weeks now telling myself you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, chant, chant, chant.  When I thought I wasn't going to be able to I just lost it.  Her staff was saying "oh don't cry".  Fortunately she could see me at 7:15.  I got there at 7 and was ushered into a room on the spot.  I was still changing clothes when she walked in the door.

She apologized for not being able to see me earlier and I started to talk then just broke into tears again.  We established that I haven't been feeling good for a while and agreed that an increase in antidepressant was in order.  Just the Lexapro as I'm not anxious, just depressed.  Also need to get my thyroid rechecked because it's been on the low side and may be contributing to the all over crapiness.

Along with that she took 4 little pieces of glass out of my foot (staph infection) examined my good breast (another staph infection) and spoke her inspiring words - This isn't helping when you already feel like crap.

She took a nose culture as I may be a colonizer, which means that I might be harboring the staph in my sinuses and it's spreading around my body.

We discussed lots of the triple negative questions I had - they don't research people like me, imagine my surprise - so most of the data I've found doesn't apply.  My tumor was found by a combination of great timing and new technology.  Can I be my own study group??  I'll have to talk to Dr. Fun about that.

In relation to the accidental finding I asked about seeing her or Dr. Fun every 3 months.  It turned out I'm seeing them more for the sake of my mental health rather than my physical health.  Works for me, now I feel as if I have permission not to bullshit them about how I'm really coping.  Charlie's apparently in charge of the breast health.  Also fine with me as he's the first person they all ask if I've seen when there's a problem.

There's your update for the day.  I'm still going to call a therapist, I will do that tomorrow but now I'm off to soak my staphy foot.

Off to Amy's office today

Yes it's time for my annual, well actually it's a few months late between her schedule and mine I've had to change appts twice.  Of course the annual includes the breast check.  It seems the only place I don't have to strip and get my breasts checked is the Cardiologist's office

So once again the ugly weird scarring under my left breast that no one really can explain and the new blazing red circle on my right breast are on display.  I'm thinking mosquito or spider bite.  It never hurt or itched it just looked very bizarre.  Only with my breasts my frame of mind is also on display, hopefully no crying today.

At least Amy's office is fairly benign as she's part of a family practice group and the ugly vibes that radiate from "that building" are not present.

I still haven't joined up with a support group but I'm scoping a couple out.  It's hard to find a group with the right "fit"

What's for dinner and other household horror stories

I haven't a fricking clue.  Why is dinner always my responsibility?  How did that happen anyway?  Yes I like to cook but not ALL the time.  

"I need some clean underwear or shirts or jeans or ..."  Hello, you know where the washing machine resides.

"where is ... ?"  Most generally it's buried on my ottoman, I'm not exactly a neat and tidy type person,  so I reply it's on my stool.  "I can't find it"  Most generally it's because he stands at the stool and doesn't move anything, it's right in front of his face.  I've come to believe that this is a man thing.  If it's not visible at first glance they cannot find what ever they're looking for.