Well, it's not going to kill you

Oh man can I recast my vote, please?????

I voted by absentee ballot this election because you never know about the weather in Feb.

I voted for Barak because I knew my man John Edwards was probably going to withdraw from the race.  I will be happy to vote for either Barak or Hillary but having just listened to the debate I so wish I'd voted for Hillary.

Please don't let me be the 1 vote that makes her lose!!!

That said I think a Clinton/Obama ticket would indeed be a dream ticket.  We get the benefit of Hillary's experience and Barak gets experience and grooming as VP that will make him an absolutely fantastic president in the future.

So this is what power feels like

No matter how you look at it the Democratic party is on it's way to making history. The first ever Black or Woman presidential candidate. And California finally gets a chance to play a part in the decision. Cool! I'll be happy to vote for either of them as my man John Edwards has left the race.

Now onto the issues - Healthcare, Healthcare, Healthcare. So I don't have to worry about hitting the cap on my insurance, you don't have to worry about whether you have enough coverage and the Breast Care Center doesn't have to have a fund to provide women who fall through the cracks mammograms, ultrasounds and the like.

Yep, caps on insurance is one of those things you worry about when you've had to battle cancer. Can you imagine what it would be like to have it reoccur only to have your insurance company say um, sorry we've spent all we're going to on you. It's one of those 'minor' things you never think about until... Along with oops, you didn't calll us before you had emergency surgery. Yes we're still fighting the battle of the Hawaii hospital bill almost 14 months later.

Oh GLEE!

Rudy Giuliani is getting his butt kicked in Florida.  The man who's entire champaign is based on what he did on 9/11 appears to be down for the count.

Yep, the same man who decided to put the emergency services office in the only building that had ever been bombed in New York.  Quick thinking, that.

Yes I am a Democrat but Giuliani just reminds me of a thug and I'm glad to see him falling out of the running.  We DON'T need another thug in the White House.

Well thank God for that

" ... Any major Bush speech carries the built-in danger that the president will suddenly sound the drums of war by adding a new member to the Axis of Evil. Luckily, the citizens of places like Costa Rica and Estonia could go to bed feeling secure Monday evening. ... "

Thank you Salon.com.  Read the entire column here.

I consider this a good sign

Let's see,
it's pouring rain yet again (21 1/4 inches since Jan 1)

there are storms lined up in the Pacific as far as the forecasters can see which means no sunshine on my birthday (2/2)

I have approximately 12,000 loads of laundry because when it rains our water gets muddy but we've both run out of underwear and suitable clothing

2 of the skylights are leaking, again

BUT, I have itunes blasting through the house.

Yes, this is a good sign. I have to be in a good frame of mind to be able to listen to music. I discovered this years ago when I was really depressed. Music was just to much for my mind to handle. Same thing when I was going through chemo and recovering from the ruptured bowel. Another one of those oddities of my brain!

But today I can hear music!

Delayed self-pity

I'm not sure where it came from or why but yesterday it hit.  I was looking into the bedroom and suddenly, a year and a half later, I could see my very bald,  very sick self in that bed.  I just burst into tears.  It was the oddest feeling.

I just felt SO bad for myself.  Ah, but life goes on, that bald, sick self is history.  NEVER. TO. BE. REPEATED!

Heart Healthy

I saw the cardiologist today.  My stress test was perfect.  Yeah!!!  He was impressed that given our "impressive" family heart history that he hadn't seen me in 10 years.  It was 10 years ago that we found out our cousin died at 38 after multiple heart attacks.

So long story short, it's back on blood pressure meds.  I won't bore you with the entire 1 1/2 hour visit.  I do need to have a kidney and heart ultrasound just because I've had high bp for so many years.  I was originally diagnosed in 1978.

Before I saw him this morning I was wondering whether it was related to the chemo.  Chemo drugs are hard on your heart.  I opted to pass on the one that's REALLY hard even if you're heart is perfect.  I suppose I'll always have these thoughts.  You know the "I'll let you give me drugs that could kill me in order to cure me" kind of thoughts.

as an aside do you know how hard it is to type with a cat resting her head upside down on the back of your hand???

How to get IMMEDIATE attention in the ER

Just drop the words chest pain!

Sorry I haven't really dropped off the edge of the earth although it seems that way. 

While we were all prepared to have a wonderful Winter Wineland last weekend, I ended up in the hospital.  As you know I developed a nasty sinus infection virtually as soon as we arrived home from Tallahassee.  Got antibiodics on Sunday 1/6 and was feeling better.  Later that week I was dizzy, nauseas and generally not in great humor.  I took some meds from my little bag 'o drugs and felt better.  It happened again Friday. 

We were busy cleaning as my sister Jan, her boyfriend Mason and daughter Marissa were on the way to visit.  Marissa, 16 was spending the day with the dogs China (their's and Max) while the 4 of us indulged in wine, food and delight.  Does this remotely remind you of Hawaii? Me too!

Long story short I called Amy's office and was promptly send to the ER.  As I said just mention chest pain.  I was in an exam room before the admittance papers were printed.  Inside of 5 minutes I had a IV, and EKG,  blood work and a nurse taking my history.

I was in the ER about 5 hours and kept saying "but tomorrow is Winter Wineland" "but tomorrow is Winter Wineland".  One doc conceded to listen to me about WW, then laughed, politely but none the less laughed when I suggested I wanted to not be admitted.

I was admitted for 2 days.  Had many EKG's, not clear, blood tests, again non-conclusive, blood tests and  lovenex - oh the fricking horror- shots.

They decided not to do an angiogram but this morning I had a medical stress test.  Friday morning I see the cardiologist.  Yesterday I tried to go Chair the regular BCC meeting but was met at the pre-meeting by Amy.  "what are you doing here"  "I thought I could handle it, tears, tears, tears."

So here we stand.  I KNOW I'm going to the Ursaline Crab feed Friday night no matter what.  I'll keep you posted.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

next up - handling your own stress, my version, LR's Version.

I just move on …

So I thought but perhaps not quite yet.  I’ve realized over the past few days that my mind is beginning to unbuild the wall it had put up around my emotions when I was first diagnosed.

In that instant that my life changed with Amy’s call I’m pretty sure my mind leapt into the fray to protect me.  I needed to deal with everything on an intellectual level to be able to function.   

So now a find myself reliving my journey in a different way.  A much more thoughtful and somewhat difranet painful way.  Not that I put no thought into my choices for treatment, I put a lot of thought into them.  Asked dozens of questions of different people but I processed the answers in a practical rather than emotional way.  After all I had cancer and it had to be treated.

I’m not relaying these thoughts in any particular order just as they come into my head.
One of my most vivid memories was the visit to the medical oncologist, Dr. Fun.  I had already decided there was ABSOLUTELY. NO. WAY. I was going to have chemo.  I would go listen to her to humor Amy and Charlie but there was ABSOLUTELY. NO. WAY. I was going to have chemo.  Then came the pathology reports and the percentages and the talking, the talking, the talking because Dr. Fun wants you to understand what your choices really mean.  Choices about what drugs to use, how often to use them and why you might want to choose one drug over another, the side effect of each drug and most of all her recommendations on all of these choices. 

And after all her talking she said I’ll call Amy tonight and tell her what I’ve told you and you call Amy and discuss the decision with her.  I must say that direction was music to my ears.  I also think it’s a benefit of living in a small community; they all know it’s other.  It’s not some family practice doc calling up some specialist who doesn’t have a clue who the doc is let alone the patient.  I knew that meant that I could talk to someone I totally trust to help me make the correct decision about my medical care. Because Amy’s the same way the talking, the explaining, the being a partner in your health care not the director.  Charlie had done the same thing after he talked to me about surgery.

If only all docs were that way and all patients realized that’s the way it should be.   Yes they are intelligent, highly educated people but they’re not gods they’re support staff. 

Unless you’re my MIL who does EVERYTHING her docs tell her without question, even when the directions conflict, because “I just believe they’re always right”
Slightly off the point rant.  She doesn’t talk to one doc about drugs another has prescribed..  Doesn’t know the dosages or in some case why she’s even taking the drug.  She keeps all her drugs whether shes’s taking them or not in the same cabinet.  I asked her how someone in an emergency is going to know what she’s taking.  She didn’t answer.  In one case a doc had given her meds to do one thing and another had given her meds to counteract the original doc.  I was extremely tempted at one point to put them into a handy plastic bag ‘o drugs and take them to her next doctor appt and ask ” do you have any idea what she’s taking and why?”

Wow, I wrote this back in Jan and never posted. Better late then never I suppose

Some one stole my bumper sticker!

Can you fricking believe that???  I have them on magnetic strips so I can interchange them as whim allows.  Some one stole "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

If you're interested great bumper stickers and the magnetic strips can be found at
Northernsun.com.  Once the magnetic strips arrive the new bumper sticker will read
"God is coming and is she pissed".