Well, it's not going to kill you

Stabiity

Can sometimes be greatly over rated.  Like when your husband spent 4 days in the hospital last weekend with a terrible infection, you actually screamed at an evicted tenant (which Dr. Sanity assures me they deserved and I should not feel bad about it, but I do anyway), you did your budget for Sept and realized you will have $13.33 left at the end of the month.   

When someone as good and powerful as Ted Kennedy, the champion of healthcare reform dies and you figure there goes healthcare reform right down the toilet.

When you go look at the damage the evicted tenant did to their rental unit that was pristine when they moved in and now not only reeks of smoke (cigarette and other), but also looks as if a barnyard full of animals lived there.  When you simply have no idea how you're going to pay for all the repairs that need to get done which include replacing the front and back doors because the sheriff had to kick them both in to get inside to arrest said tenants.  Ripping up the wood flooring said tenant put down with out bothering to measure to see if he had enough flooring, he didn't the moron and replacing the brand new carpet that had been installed just before they moved in because he tore it up to put down the wood floor.

Paying said tenant to move off the property so we would have to go through the court eviction process that takes approximately 90 days (God only know if the unit would have been standing in 90 days).

Dr. Sanity assures me that I am strong and I can take it all and as usual she's probably correct but I have to question her sanity today.

Besides that it is totally fricking HOT here today which does not put me in the best of moods at the best of times.

So much for my tale of woo for today.  Sometimes it just all piles up at the same time and I lose the ground beneath my feet for a couple of days.

And yes Eliza I know I did the cardinal sin of mixing tenses but just pretend your not a literature genius.

The tao of hospital elevators

I speak of it because Larry is in the hospital again - for those of you who only know us through my blog Larry has been at death's door more times than I care to count, in more hospitals than I care to count.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer that spread to his liver in 1994.  MANY surgeries and near death experiences later he's (mostly fine).  Except his kidneys have decided it's their turn to get attention.  I forced him to the hospital yesterday (Friday) when I woke up and found him in a trance like state.  He kept saying "I'm fine", I said I'm calling your doctor's office.  After talking to the nurse she said take him to the emergency room they can do more for him than we can here.

So with some coaxing and finally "don't give me grief, you're not fine, get in the car" we headed of to Kaiser.  When we arrived after repeated "I'm fines" while I explained to the intact nurse what I'd observed over the last couple of days it turned  out he didn't know where he was or what year it was.  Several tests and hours later he was admitted.

Which brings me back to my original subject the tao of hospital elevators.  I've been in Kaiser Santa Rosa which is slow but since it's only 5 floors you can deal with it.  I've been in UCSF where you quickly learn it doesn't matter if your going up or down, just get in the elevator because they are SO DAMN SLOW, you'll eventually end up on the floor you were heading for.  Kaiser San Francisco elevators dump you into empty virtually unmarked hallways ( or at least they did in 1994) you need a compass to figure out where you're going.  Kaiser Oakland elevators seem to deify gravity.  I think they were previously used for anti-gravity testing.  And last but not least Wilson Hospital in Lihue, HI.  They're very confusing.  The one that's easy to find is staff only.  The patient elevator is around a few corners, opens up into virtually empty but beautifully decorated space and leaves you wondering how far is it to the beach!

What I meant to write about

I'd been feeling terrific for the few weeks prior to the tenant fiasco.  I was able to set a path I wanted to explore that had been becoming more and more persistent in my brain. The path of discovering or re-discovering my spiritual self.  While I'm a Catholic (non-practing) but once a Catholic always a Catholic I've discovered.  I found this very interesting book I was ready to explore along with my Highly Sensitive Person book and workbook. 

Well so much for that idea.  I first have to get myself back to neutral then I'll have the resourses to begin the exploration.

If you're at all curious about HSP may I recommend this website.  It's done a world of good clarifying things to me about how I relate to the world, how it affects me and how I can better cope.  On one of the pages is a self test.  I checked all but 2 of the questions, uumm think I'm a bit highly sensitive?  I also had Larry take the test and then we talked about it.  Now he understands a bit more about how I function in the world and it's made a difference in how he interacts with me. 

And the world spins madly on

As it has since I last posted.  I believe I left you with a kicked in front door, turns out it was both front and back doors.  But they are indeed in the process of honoring their agreement but still not having the brains God gave a rock tonight RR#2 asked Larry if they could stay until the 1st. "There are so many things they'd like to do for us before they leave"  Yea, right.  Larry's reply was NO because he didn't want to get divorced - smart man.  Otherwise it seems to be all "Peace in the Valley" with the rest of the tenants which is a seriously nice change of pace.  I'm trying to ignore what may happen when Larry finally has his hernia surgery, not yet scheduled.  So that gives us PLENTY of time to prepare the teeming masses that he won't be available to jump on their every whim for a while.

So in the mean time I have been trying to recover from all the ruckus which generally entails spending a lot of time sleeping.  It gives my brain and my body a chance to recover.  Sometimes it's harder than others and sometimes just when I feel I'm finally making some process my brain and/or my body will make it perfectly clear it's not ready yet.

I truly think for me this is the hardest part of therapy.  Yes I have scrapped myself up off Dr. Sanity's carpet more times than I care to count and I'm sure I will many times again in the future.  But it's the actual physical and mental recovery from a set back that is more devastating to me.  I know it's part of the process and I have no control over the process or the recovery time.  This is ricking hard for an impatient, un-humble, easily frustrated, control freak (did someone say control freak - no not me) person.  And that person would be me.  I know I'm learning lessons but damn to they have to be SO hard???

I used to think I was pretty good at rolling with the punches, being flexible, etc. however my beloved recently informed me that I'd spent too many years in Budgeting dictating to people what they had to do.  OH SO TRUE, old habits die hard!

Laurel and Hardy couldn't have done it better

Last Friday I told Dr. Sanity I had a very quiet week coming up.  Boy was I wrong.  I thought you would enjoy the insanity so I decided to share it with you.  This was Tuesday

Oh so wrong.  It's only the second day of the week and we've had adventures galore.

To begin with the rabble rousers in the lower unit of the white house were both arrested early this morning  for domestic violence, apparently complete with the sheriff kicking in the front door.

A couple of days ago we discovered that they had taken my old car which we WERE selling them in exchange for work, which has not been done and which I had registered as non-operational and some how managed to get it fully registered in my name and get it insured - can you say forgery anyone?  We hadn't gotten a chance to take to them about it yet.  But we managed to find the key and bring it back up here and disable part of the engine so it ain't goin nowhere.

Then we find out that one of them took our ranch truck, with out our permission last night.  It ran out of gas so he/she  left it by the side of the road from whence it has since disappeared.

I've had 2 laughingly hysterical conversations with a sheriff's deputy because I gave him there names and mentioned that they were currently housing them for us.  He said they're infamous.  Perhaps that explains the 2 sheriff's patrol car that briefly graced our driveway at 6 am yesterday.

We are currently awaiting a call or visit from the CHP to give them a report on the stolen truck.  We have to talk to DMV tomorrow about the forgery and possibly find the where abouts of the stolen truck.  

Quiet I tell you, quiet LOL - more accurately rolling on the ground lol - but notice I am laughing not calling and weeping upon your cell phone - Yea for us!  All that hard work is paying off in spades!

Tuesday night the truck was found by the CHP officer who had visited us earlier in the evening because he was doing follow up on an accident and our truck had just been hidden from view.  Wednesday we had it towed home as the rabble rousers had the key when they were arrested.  While Larry was arranging and waiting for the tow truck I called DMV.  There is nothing we can do as they didn't have to sign anything.  Pisses the hell out of me.  I was ready to file forgery and identity theft charges against both of them but, no.  One of the rabble rousers was bailed out came home and demanded the key to HER car.  Suspecting something like that would happen we'd already talked to friends to see if we could store the car there for a while.  They were quite agreeable so once we RR#1 was and on the property we rushed the car to our friends.

Yesterday RR#2 was released and I hit the wall.  But I managed to type up eviction notices and a letter (per our attorney's advice) offering to refund their original security deposit if they just moved and saved us the time, expense and headache of having to take them to court.  We served them this morning and RR#2 had the nerve to call and say he wanted his parts out of the car.

My dearly beloved, over my rather violent dissension, agreed to credit the amount they spent to register the car against the back rent they owed us.  I'm still pissed about that and expect to remain so for quite some time to come.

This evening they signed the agreement we had given them giving them ten days to clear out.  I don't think the two of them together have the brains that God gave a rock so Larry had to explain in detail what each notice meant.

Fortunately I had my usual appt with Dr. Sanity at noon today.  She said she knew I was going to break at some point but she was pretty amazed at how long I made it before the crash.  And it was a crash like it would have been 6 months ago.  I would have been weeping into her cell phone several times a day saying I can't do this, so progress there.

Now it's just a waiting game, hopefully one that the Sheriff's department doesn't have to get involved with yet again.

Now that's entertainment.

And yes I HAVE disabled autoplay but it's still ignoring me.  I'll try to fix it this weekend.  I hope it's not irrating the hell out of you every time you open my blog.   Sorry

Healthcare hysteria

As you can imagine health care is a very big issue in my world.  It always has been as I was "blessed" with being allergic to almost everything at a very young age - except food, thank God for that - but just about everything else on God's green earth makes me itch or sneeze or break out in a rash.  I decided long ago that if my allergy wanted to be here it was going to have to live the life I wanted, like it or not.  This does makes me a slave to the pharmaceutical industry which gets more out of control each day but fortunately courtesy of American Express screwing up my life years and admitting it I have very good but damn expensive medical and drug coverage (yes I'm pretty sure that qualifies as a a run-on sentence).

But back to the basic issue - healthcare. Mine is fairly reasonable and covered most of my biopsy, surgeries, chemo, radiation and doctors visits.  For a little view into history this is how it was 3 years ago tomorrow.  The memories are as fresh as the day they happened.  You would think they would fade over time but no.  Everything I go back to my archives it's like reliving the entire process.  Side tracked again sorry.

So healthcare today  is the insurance companies basically have all the control and they hang over your doctor's shoulder telling him/her how to practice medicine. And mental health care, let's not even go there.  I cannot tell you how many times Amy has had to put in a special request to get a certain drug approved because it didn't meet their formulary.  And then there was in infamous out-of-network refusal to pay for emergency surgery in Hawaii because I didn't contact them first.  Hello, emergency, chance of dying, contacting my insurance company was not on the top of anyone's list especially mine.  It was a 16 month battle to get them to pay.  What Larry should have chartered an air ambulance and flown me back home?  I'd have been dead by then.

So then why are people like Sarah Palin, let's face it not the brightest bulb and why is she still around anyway, are ranting that Obama's plan will order her parents and disabled son killed, unclear on the concept of a living will.  Why does some woman at a town hall meeting call and say she understands that once health care reform passes a government employee will be visiting the home of every elderly person in America asking them how they want to die?  Because they are ignorant, stupid, uninformed and believe everything Rush Limbaugh to Americans for Prosperity and all it's evil little off shoots tell them to believe.  I mean why bother to do any sort of research when you have all these wingnuts to do it for you.  Based on their beliefs I figure Larry and I would be put out on some ice flow.

I have a book in my never ending pile of books to read by the name of Idiot America: How Stupidity became a Virtue in the Land of the Free.  It some how seems quite appropriate based on what's happening today.

There you have it my rant for the day.

This is what reconnecting feels like in music

controller="true"autoplay="false" autostart="0" loop="false" height="20" width="100">Mary Chapin Carpenter - Almost Home

no I have no idea why some of the html code displays on this page.  If anyone has pointers on how to fix it please, please, please let me know. Also I promise to disable the autoplay when I make my next post.

And I did disable autoplay - notice that false up there. It appears to be ignoring me

Reconnecting

Therapy the last few weeks has been incredible, stunning, amazing, enlightening - I don't think I have enough adjectives.

Last week I turned a corner.  Yes there is still that kernel of fear in the back of my brain that the cancer may return but it no longer carries the power it once had.  The same thing for going forward with therapy.  I know there are some seriously painful times ahead (Thank you American Express) but I no longer fear them.

It will be hard, it will be painful but it will not have mastery over me.

Also in the last week or so space has opened up in my brain to let my spiritual self to come to the surface.  Although I was raised Catholic (once a Catholic always a Catholic) I don't need or want the "traditional" church (especially with this pope).  So now the task is to find the right way to develop and express that spirituality.

I'm FINALLY reconnecting to the world around me in a concrete manner.  It's not easy but it's very rewarding.

Tomorrow I will post about how it feels in music.

Batshit crazy

Seriously. What is up with the Republican party and their wing nut idea that a new health care plan is just a plot to kill old people?

Who put what in their Kool-Aid?  When these rumors starting floating around, i.e. the woman in a town hall meeting telling Obama that she heard there was a clause in the bill that government people were going to knock on every senior citizens door and ask them how they wanted to die, I thought it was kind of funny.

When Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck were ranting, raving and generally making fools of themselves it was funny.  But now actual members of Congress for example Virginia Foxx, R, N.C.  are standing on the floor of Congress and announcing that the whole idea of health care reform is to kill off old people it's ceased to be funny.There's a big difference between a living will, which is a good thing to have by the way and everyone should, and deciding how old people are going to die.

Someone needs to slap these people upside the head and say get a grip.