Well, it's not going to kill you

The pit beckons

it's opened up it's creaky door and said "won't you come in?"  No actually I'd prefer no too, thank you very much.

But I'm right on the edge.  It will take a few more days until the increase dose of antidepressants kicks in therefore being on the edge.  I can't even work up the energy to pick up the phone and call the therapist.  How sad is that?

I realized last night at the concert on the Plaza, good band by the way, that I'm sort of hovering around the edges of life these days.  Rather than actively being engaged in what  I'm doing I'm existing.  And the glasses have started looking really tempting in the break me cut yourself kind of way  It not in the sense that I'll really do it, just that the idea pops up when I'm in a bad way.

I really need to call the therapist because I know that's a bad sign for me.  My mind is knocking on my brain saying "excuse me, wtf is going on in here?"  The big internal debate is whether to call my regular therapist whom I've felt a  bit "off" with lately but she takes my insurance or to call a new therapist I know who doesn't take my insurance.  It's a sad state of affairs when you have to weigh your mental health against the cost of your insurance.

That does not apply to you

Amy said that a lot on Monday.  Turns out most of the questions I had about research were irrelevant because , surprise, they don't study cancer like mine. By a combination of timing and new technology my tumor was really, really, really small.

Most research is done on larger tumors and later stage cancers.  Again I think I'll be my own study group.

I'm not certain how I feel about not having the type of cancer that doesn't get studied.  I tend to thrive on facts and with no facts available I feel a bit lost.

No wonder you feel like crap

Thus spoke the learned Dr. Shaw this evening.  My appointment was really at 2, however I got stuck in traffic and didn't make it to her office until 2:25.  She couldn't see me.  I just broke down in tears.  I've been holding on for weeks now telling myself you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, chant, chant, chant.  When I thought I wasn't going to be able to I just lost it.  Her staff was saying "oh don't cry".  Fortunately she could see me at 7:15.  I got there at 7 and was ushered into a room on the spot.  I was still changing clothes when she walked in the door.

She apologized for not being able to see me earlier and I started to talk then just broke into tears again.  We established that I haven't been feeling good for a while and agreed that an increase in antidepressant was in order.  Just the Lexapro as I'm not anxious, just depressed.  Also need to get my thyroid rechecked because it's been on the low side and may be contributing to the all over crapiness.

Along with that she took 4 little pieces of glass out of my foot (staph infection) examined my good breast (another staph infection) and spoke her inspiring words - This isn't helping when you already feel like crap.

She took a nose culture as I may be a colonizer, which means that I might be harboring the staph in my sinuses and it's spreading around my body.

We discussed lots of the triple negative questions I had - they don't research people like me, imagine my surprise - so most of the data I've found doesn't apply.  My tumor was found by a combination of great timing and new technology.  Can I be my own study group??  I'll have to talk to Dr. Fun about that.

In relation to the accidental finding I asked about seeing her or Dr. Fun every 3 months.  It turned out I'm seeing them more for the sake of my mental health rather than my physical health.  Works for me, now I feel as if I have permission not to bullshit them about how I'm really coping.  Charlie's apparently in charge of the breast health.  Also fine with me as he's the first person they all ask if I've seen when there's a problem.

There's your update for the day.  I'm still going to call a therapist, I will do that tomorrow but now I'm off to soak my staphy foot.

Off to Amy's office today

Yes it's time for my annual, well actually it's a few months late between her schedule and mine I've had to change appts twice.  Of course the annual includes the breast check.  It seems the only place I don't have to strip and get my breasts checked is the Cardiologist's office

So once again the ugly weird scarring under my left breast that no one really can explain and the new blazing red circle on my right breast are on display.  I'm thinking mosquito or spider bite.  It never hurt or itched it just looked very bizarre.  Only with my breasts my frame of mind is also on display, hopefully no crying today.

At least Amy's office is fairly benign as she's part of a family practice group and the ugly vibes that radiate from "that building" are not present.

I still haven't joined up with a support group but I'm scoping a couple out.  It's hard to find a group with the right "fit"

Ignorance is not bliss

I'm catching up on my blog reading.  I went to At least it's a "good" cancer and reread Jenny's post from a while back.  The first time I read it I had concentrated on her getting to her 2 year milestone.  This time I concentrated on the friend of a friend who had been told that there would be no testing on her tumor.

WTF?  No testing???  How in the hell would her docs know how to treat her?  They decided to assume that because most breast cancer is hormone related, her's was as well and that was how they determined her treatment!  Yep, hormone therapy and no chemo.  Fortunately their mutual friend pushed her to get testing done.  As the post was written the testing had not yet been completed.

But what if this woman turned out to be triple negative?  Chemo makes all the difference in triple negative breast cancer.  Hormone therapy does absolutely nothing.  Period, nothing.

Any of you out there that have been told there will be no testing done on your tumor stand up and fight.  Be pushy, be loud, be stubborn, be rude if you have to, use the "m" word (you know malpractice) it could mean the difference between life and death.  Literally.

How many men does it take to barbeque chicken?

Last night it took 3, sometimes 4.  It was hysterical to watch them, a bunch of little boys playing with fire and barbeque tools.  As Bev said, we should get this on video.  We told them Bobby Flay would be proud.

Last night we hosted FWF.  It a fit a genius I mentioned bbq chicken as a main dish the other night.  Chase volunteered to bbq as he had not bbq'd for 2 entire weeks!  Chase and his bbq are as one.  Turns out Rob and his bbq are one as well.  Larry has decided he may become one with our bbq.

We have a virtually unused bbq as we bought it the year before I was diagnosed because I like, ok love barbequed food, and decided it was time to learn the finer points of grilling.  However when the next bbq season rolled around I was busy having surgery and chemo.  Food of any type was not top most on my mind.

So yesterday Larry moved the que from the spot where it had been, um, abandoned 3 years ago.  Opened it up, cleaned the grills, got a new propane tank and voila it lit on the first try!

Last night we had lovely chicken marinated in soy and beer, grilled to perfection.  We ate outside because the weather has been miserably hot but as luck would have it yesterday was breathtakingly beautiful, well mostly beautiful because the temps were only in the 80's as opposed to the 100's it's been running but we still have lots of smoke from the fires farther north.

We ate, drank and were merry long after darkness fell.  It was one of those beautiful nights that make you realize how much you treasure life and your friends.

Funky body, funky mind

I've had both lately.  What wIth the sinus infection/cold and fire cough I feel as if I have no energy.  Getting out of bed is a chore, thinking forget it!

Of course when I phyically don't feel well my mind seems to sink into a funk as well.  I realized yesterday as we were celebrating FWF/4th of July that although I was having fun I wasn't really having fun.  It was as if part of me wasn't there - oh yeah that would be my mind which was busy thinking dark thoughts in the midst of a beautiful sunny day.

 I've been thinkning that maybe it's time to go in search of a support group.  Nancy my old support group no longer has to deal with the breast cancer issue so I don't want to take her back into that dark place.  And while my friends are supportive they really don't understand where I'm coming from.  So I'm thinking it might be time to find some of my own "kind".

Yes I understand that I've been ranting alot lately ...

but I'm an angry breast cancer survivor, bleeding heart liberal and a news junkie.  I'm allowed.

I won't promise not to rant in the future because we all know that a lie and besides if you didn't like the ranting you wouldn't keep coming back.

So I'll keep blogging, maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, maybe you'll tell your friends, maybe you won't.

It makes me happy and gets stuff out of my head.  Just gear yourselves up because POLITICS, OBAMA, MCCAIN, SHRUB, CARL ROVE, IRAQ, IRAN, GAS PRICES, etc., etc., etc. are not going away any time soon.  And then there's the rest of the world when I get bored with the US.

ZIMBABWE, DARFUR, THE SUDAN, THE MIDDLE EAST, THE RAIN FOREST.   See there's a lot more out there.

This is what classifies as medical reporting

Triple Negative Breast Cancer

 

Tuesday, Jun 17, 2008 - 11:50 AM 

 

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By LeKeitha Terrell

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The American Cancer Society estimates almost 180,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. A number of those women will get a rare form of the disease called triple negative. Doctors say women with triple negative breast cancer do not have three hormone receptors that fuel most breast cancer tumors. This means many of the common drugs do not work. Doctors say Triple Breast Cancer is tough for them because they do not know the risks for it, they don't know the best way to screen for it and they don't know the best way to treat the disease. Doctors say they have determined this type of cancer is most common among African-American and Hispanic women.

Yes, that's it.  The entire article.  Can you imagine someone newly diagnosed with triple negative reading this article?  I'm dead would very likely be her first thought.

And by the way it contains total and complete crap.  Triple negative is screened for just like any other breast cancer, with a mammogram.  Also, it is treatable with chemotherapy so please ignore this person if you come across this news report.

Please feel free to email the general manager of the station General Manager - Bob Romine

rromine@wjtv.com

If you'd like to look at something a lot more scientific you can check out this article.  It's very technical, I'm waiting for definitions from Amy and Dr. Fun before I can finish it but it's a hell of a lot better than Ms. Terrell's article.

Can you tell I'm more that a little pissed off?

Oh Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Another court that does not roll over and play dead for the Bush administration.

I bet you all wish I'd go back to writing about breast cancer : )

Sorry this is me, news junkie, bleeding heart liberal, cancer survivor.  Interestingly I've noticed it's becoming easier to think of myself as a cancer survivor rather than a cancer patient.  I'm sure part of it is having other issues fill my head but I also believe that distance helps.

I do still look in the mirror every day and think you really can tell a difference but now it pretty much stops there.  I try to stop myself from thinking what if it comes back or that I have to visit THAT BUILDING much more frequently than I'd like.  I'm also trying not to think about all the chemicals I put in my body to destroy the cancer and then all the radiation but that is just pointless.  It's done and over with I can't change the past and can't predict the future.