Well, it's not going to kill you

The pit beckons

it's opened up it's creaky door and said "won't you come in?"  No actually I'd prefer no too, thank you very much.

But I'm right on the edge.  It will take a few more days until the increase dose of antidepressants kicks in therefore being on the edge.  I can't even work up the energy to pick up the phone and call the therapist.  How sad is that?

I realized last night at the concert on the Plaza, good band by the way, that I'm sort of hovering around the edges of life these days.  Rather than actively being engaged in what  I'm doing I'm existing.  And the glasses have started looking really tempting in the break me cut yourself kind of way  It not in the sense that I'll really do it, just that the idea pops up when I'm in a bad way.

I really need to call the therapist because I know that's a bad sign for me.  My mind is knocking on my brain saying "excuse me, wtf is going on in here?"  The big internal debate is whether to call my regular therapist whom I've felt a  bit "off" with lately but she takes my insurance or to call a new therapist I know who doesn't take my insurance.  It's a sad state of affairs when you have to weigh your mental health against the cost of your insurance.

No wonder you feel like crap

Thus spoke the learned Dr. Shaw this evening.  My appointment was really at 2, however I got stuck in traffic and didn't make it to her office until 2:25.  She couldn't see me.  I just broke down in tears.  I've been holding on for weeks now telling myself you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, chant, chant, chant.  When I thought I wasn't going to be able to I just lost it.  Her staff was saying "oh don't cry".  Fortunately she could see me at 7:15.  I got there at 7 and was ushered into a room on the spot.  I was still changing clothes when she walked in the door.

She apologized for not being able to see me earlier and I started to talk then just broke into tears again.  We established that I haven't been feeling good for a while and agreed that an increase in antidepressant was in order.  Just the Lexapro as I'm not anxious, just depressed.  Also need to get my thyroid rechecked because it's been on the low side and may be contributing to the all over crapiness.

Along with that she took 4 little pieces of glass out of my foot (staph infection) examined my good breast (another staph infection) and spoke her inspiring words - This isn't helping when you already feel like crap.

She took a nose culture as I may be a colonizer, which means that I might be harboring the staph in my sinuses and it's spreading around my body.

We discussed lots of the triple negative questions I had - they don't research people like me, imagine my surprise - so most of the data I've found doesn't apply.  My tumor was found by a combination of great timing and new technology.  Can I be my own study group??  I'll have to talk to Dr. Fun about that.

In relation to the accidental finding I asked about seeing her or Dr. Fun every 3 months.  It turned out I'm seeing them more for the sake of my mental health rather than my physical health.  Works for me, now I feel as if I have permission not to bullshit them about how I'm really coping.  Charlie's apparently in charge of the breast health.  Also fine with me as he's the first person they all ask if I've seen when there's a problem.

There's your update for the day.  I'm still going to call a therapist, I will do that tomorrow but now I'm off to soak my staphy foot.

Off to Amy's office today

Yes it's time for my annual, well actually it's a few months late between her schedule and mine I've had to change appts twice.  Of course the annual includes the breast check.  It seems the only place I don't have to strip and get my breasts checked is the Cardiologist's office

So once again the ugly weird scarring under my left breast that no one really can explain and the new blazing red circle on my right breast are on display.  I'm thinking mosquito or spider bite.  It never hurt or itched it just looked very bizarre.  Only with my breasts my frame of mind is also on display, hopefully no crying today.

At least Amy's office is fairly benign as she's part of a family practice group and the ugly vibes that radiate from "that building" are not present.

I still haven't joined up with a support group but I'm scoping a couple out.  It's hard to find a group with the right "fit"

Yes I understand that I've been ranting alot lately ...

but I'm an angry breast cancer survivor, bleeding heart liberal and a news junkie.  I'm allowed.

I won't promise not to rant in the future because we all know that a lie and besides if you didn't like the ranting you wouldn't keep coming back.

So I'll keep blogging, maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, maybe you'll tell your friends, maybe you won't.

It makes me happy and gets stuff out of my head.  Just gear yourselves up because POLITICS, OBAMA, MCCAIN, SHRUB, CARL ROVE, IRAQ, IRAN, GAS PRICES, etc., etc., etc. are not going away any time soon.  And then there's the rest of the world when I get bored with the US.

ZIMBABWE, DARFUR, THE SUDAN, THE MIDDLE EAST, THE RAIN FOREST.   See there's a lot more out there.

Codes and the importance thereof

One of the non-proprietary things we discussed at yesterdays meeting was billing codes.  Exciting huh? Anyway in a bid to stretch the tobacco settlement $$ farther (or further which ever is correct) the State of California has decided that they will not pay for digital mammograms for un or underinsured women.  In it's infinite medical wisdom the state has decided that filmed mammograms are just as effective as digital, they're not but that's an entirely different matter.

At the BCC we have only digital mammography machines.  Digital mammograms are a different billing code than filmed mammograms.  Forget the fact that state reimbursement doesn't begin to cover the cost of a mammogram digital or otherwise, we tried to negotiate.  Nope said the State we won't accept that billing code.

We tried explaining that we only have digital machines.  They don't care.  It's not the right billing code.  We tried again.  Nope.

Don't you love the idea of a healthcare system run by billing codes?

All around good day

Good Advisory Board meeting - much proprietary info so we'll just leave it at that except to say the BCC is down donation wise just like every other non-profit in the country.  

Lovely massage - oh my darling Dionne, she has magic fingers and our brains are on the same wave length.  Sometimes we spend so much time solving the problems of the world the 90 mins. passes in a flash.

The smoke is somewhat better but you still have to know the hills across the valley are there to be able to visualize them.

Catching up with my favorite blogs.   Eliza, Nikki, Pundit Mom, Huffingtonpost, Salon.com (be sure to check out ask the pilot it's very entertaining)  I'm still waiting for an intelligent conservative blog because I want to understand the other side. And my secret, secret addiction celebrity baby blog.  I love babies, Id have a dozen if I could give them away when they turned 3.  I so enjoyed spending time with our nephews and niece when they were little and my friends babies but I so much more loved giving them back.

 

So many things to talk about today

So here's a very unconnected set of items to start you on your way.

The air here is heavy with smoke.  You can both see and smell it.  We've managed to keep it out of the bedroom by keeping the doors and windows closed and using the air conditioner to keep us cool.  But out here in the main part of the house, wow!  It's so strong it's making my eyes water.  The fires are far to the north and east of us but there are so many  (that's just Northern CA lightening fires) a number of them are not getting any fire fighter attention.  There were about 90 lightening strikes in Mendocino County (north of us) and Cal Fire is totally overwhelmed by the sheer volume of fires in this part of the state.  Of course when they need fire coverage local departments are tapped to assist which leaves the local community without adequate fire coverage.  It's like a game of Chance during fire season in CA.  Yes, I know the Cal Fire incident site address by heart, just like the PG&E emergency number lol.

George Carlin died yesterday.  He's had heart problems for years.  I know because our division in New York carried his life insurance policy.  His accountant was ALWAYS late paying the premiums and the company was alway on the verge of canceling his policy.  It resulted in many hilarious conversations while I was account for that division.

The pregnancy "pact"  What the hell?  I don't know if it's true but what CAN these girls be thinking?  And then there's the hospital's response to the birth control issue.  Apparently if they stick their heads in the sand deep enough the problem will go away.

And there's always politics.   CNN : Obama, McCain gear up for race-based attacks  Great just what we need a race based on race rather than the issues.  Would you think that after Bush was handed one election on a silver platter and some how managed to win a second that people would FINALLY care about the issues.  Nope, apparently the color of a man's skin is an important factor in the race.  It is 2008 isn't it?

Now it's time to go have some fun, lunch with my friend Erin.  

Politics today

John McCain claims it doesn't matter when we leave Iraq.  That he'd consider Dick Cheney for an administration post, not vp but possibly a cabinet post.  And his health care plan still sucks.  If that doesn't but fear in your heart I don't know what will.

And here I am worrying about who he'll appoint to the Supreme Court, silly me

Speaking of healthcare I met a women at Wine Divas the other night who was a former Peace Corp member.  After her time was up she became an administrator for the Corp.  She has the same healthcare that the Congress has.  I wonder if all federal employees have that perk?  Can you imagine here most of us are struggling to pay our premiums every month and we're possibly paying for federal employees to have the best healthcare package available!

When is a tax credit not a tax credit?

When it's part of John McCain's health plan.

In the ad, he says the problem with health care is not the quality, but the cost. As a remedy, he promises "every American family a $5,000 refundable tax credit" so families can purchase their own insurance policies. (Individuals would receive $2,500.) The federal government would send the money directly to insurance providers.

Those with employer-sponsored coverage, however, also might want to know that under McCain's plan, they will pay taxes on the value of health care benefits they receive from their employers. It's not that families will receive a windfall of $5,000, but that the credit will more or less offset the increased taxes they'll pay. 

Yea, works for me.  Let's see I pay $480 a month for health insurance that's $5, 760 a year, I have a $1,000 maximum on what I have to pay but that does not include co-pays which run $20 - $35 depending on what doc I see.  My prescriptions (I take 5 regularly) have a $10 - $50 copay per month.  There is also some talk that his plan will not cover pre-existing conditions.  Umm, how many people does that exclude?

He also claims he's going to make prescription drugs cheaper.  Excuse me while I laugh out loud, as if the drug companies will let that happen.  By the way did you know that we take drugs routinely made in China and India but cannot by drugs from Canada because they're not safe?

He also wants to restrict a woman's right to choose.

The REAL John McCain is not the "moderate maverick" the pundits like to swoon over. The REAL McCain has spent the last 25 years amassing one of the worst anti-choice voting records in Congress.

If elected president, he has pledged to be the anti-choice movement's most faithful ally, carrying their water and enacting their dangerous agenda: "If I am fortunate enough to be elected as the next President of the United States, I pledge to you to be a loyal and unswerving friend of the right to life movement." [Statement by Sen. McCain read by Sen. Sam Brownback at the March for Life in Washington, DC, January 22, 2008.]

Great now we get to worry about what he'll do to the Supreme Court as well as the economy, healthcare and the war.

Healthcare reform or perhaps not ...

As a cancer survivor I worry about healthcare, more specifically health insurance.  I don't know how much my treatment cost but I know it was not a small number.  I remember the bill for getting my port installed, an out-patient procedure mind you, was $5000.  Lucky for us insurance covered most everything.  I probably hit my $1000 per year maximum pay out that year.

Then the was the ruptured bowel, hit $1000 max last year as well.

This year I'm well on my way to hitting the maximum again.  My cost for the lovely weekend I spent in the hospital in January is $700.

Imagine my dismay when I came across this article today on huffingtonpost.com

In a stunning - if predictable - story, the Hillnewspaper reports that congressional Democrats are now saying that they will effectively thwart any effort to create a national health care program. Here is the key excerpt:

"Congressional Democrats are backing away from healthcare reform promises made by their two presidential candidates, saying that even if their party controls the White House and Congress, sweeping change will be difficult...Sen. Charles Schumer (N.Y.), a member of Senate Democratic leadership and a key Hillary Clinton ally who also sits on the Finance Committee, said he is 'not sure we have the big plan on healthcare.'...'Healthcare I feel strongly about, but I am not sure that we're ready for a major national healthcare plan,' Schumer said...Rep. Kendrick Meek (D-Fla.), a Clinton supporter who sits on the House Ways and Means Committee, said "the money is not necessarily there right now" to enact the plans."

This really scares me.  What if American Express decides to cut retiree health insurance.  I now pay $480 a month for health insurance.  With a number of pre-existing conditions I might never be able to get healthcare let alone afford it.

We desperately need a national healthcare program.  It's totally ridiculous that people in the world's wealthiest country are going without proper medical care.  Idiot Bush's solution that they go to the emergency from is insane.

For one thing going through the ER is the most expensive way to see a doctor.  For another going to ER happens only after you're sick.  Preventive medicine would take care of a majority of health problems because of early screening.

Some one needs to give the medical insurance companies a kick in the butt.  Clearly the Dems are already saying they're not.  Talk about cutting the candidates off at the knees!