Well, it's not going to kill you

Even Dr. Sanity caught the bug

The new dog bug that is.  She allows her patients to bring their dogs to their therapy sessions if they choose.  Apparently a number of us have new dogs and it's made her long for a new dog herself.  She had to put her beloved dog down about 18 months ago.

She read in the paper about these puppies and went to visit them.  One came up wrapped herself around Dr. Sanity's feet and it was mutual love at first sight.  Dr. Sanity first said yes then no.  She told me how on fire she was for a new dog at my Friday session.  But she was going to wait for a couple of things to happen on Monday first.  She decided she couldn't wait, went to visit the puppy today who put her paws around Dr. Sanity's neck and snuggled up to her like a baby.  The wall fell and Dr. Sanity will be picking up her puppy next week.

I never thought I'd be a sucker like that until I met Max.  I'm not a dog person, I've ALWAYS been a cat person but Max was special.  When I was so sick during chemo all I coud do was lay flat on my back he laid on the floor on my side of the bed every single day from morning to night until I recovered.  He was protective of Larry but especially protective of me.  I thought I'd never even like a dog as much as Max after he died.  I really wanted another Pyrenees but the fates were against us at this time.  Larry, wheelchair, walker, crutches ...  Thus we ended up with Colin.

Yes Connie I've gone to the dark side again but my first loves are still Sophie, Ted and Emme.  You would get the greatest kick out of Emme.  She spent her entire life, about 16 months living in the shelter.  It's a delight to watch her discover new things. Now that it's winter of course fire wood is coming in.  There was a stick of kindling on the floor and she pushed it.  IT MOVED.  I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there but maybe she only needed a sip of champagne : )

A brief interlude ...  we went to meet the dog trainer last night because we had missed the first class, orientation. Our main event for the evening was going to a friend's for a dinner of choppino, OMGF it was go good but I digress.  As we arrived at the designated spot, Copperfield's in Healdsburg  we realized we'd forgotten the walker and the wheelchair.  How could we have possibly forgotten not ONE but both.  As a result Larry and Colin spent the hour I spent with Mike in Copperfield's in the car.

The three of us headed off to dog school this morning.  We knew we needed a training collar because 1) Colin paid no attention to the training harness and 2) he chewed through part of it so it's off for repair.  Apparently the hot new training collar is the Martingale .  It's basically a cloth choke collar that's easier on the dog than a traditional metal collar.  We purchased our collar and went off to class.  He was less than impressed with the collar and got bored toward the end of class because he already knows how to sit, is so smart that most of the training bored him - RAPIDLY.  The most hysterical was the one where you place a treat on the ground and as the dog goes for it you cover it with your foot.  If the dog looks away it gets rewarded.  He was very excited the first 2 or 3 times.  After that he laid down and looked at us as if to say "how stupid do you think I am?  I know you're going to cover the treat with your foot so I'm not even going to bother making an effort"  I personally found it quite hysterical and he got rewarded for it.

As it turns out Colin has converted me again to being a semi-dog person again.  He's big, only 13 months old and 110 lbs.  He's expected to gain another 20 to 30 lbs and grow a bit taller.  Currently he stands 31" at the shoulder and 36" at the head.  Yeah he's going to get bigger.  But he's the most mellow guy.  In fact one of the people we had dinner with last night tried to smuggle him out and Mike doesn't even like dogs!

Everyone at Western Farms, our go to place if Healdsburg dog house doesn't have what we need, fell in love with him.  He's generally calm and approachable for kids up to adults.  Now If we could just get him to stop using his giant feet when he's excited.  I have bruises down both thighs because he gets so excited and he doesn't realize the power he has.We're greatly looking forward to the next six weeks of dog school.  We may ever cure him of a kid's version of "I didn't do it".  His version is "duck did it"  Every time he does something he knows he's not supposed to do he runs over to duck (who was once fluffy and white) grabs him and either shakes him for all he's worth or makes him squeak.  You know he's feeling particularly guilty if he makes duck squeak - riotous.  He is a great lift to my spirits which as you know have been sinking of late.

We're all still alive reposted - spell checked this time

But exhausted!  Between Larry and I we've been to the doctor 4 times this month and that doesn't include visits to Dr. Sanity.  Oh and of course that doesn't include all the time he was in the hospital and rehab last month.  And Larry has 2 more visits next week.  One for his eye and one for physical therapy.  He's hoping to be transferred to crutches at the physical therapy visit.  I don't want to burst his bubble but I think it going to be a more gradual process so I just keep my mouth shut.

The other thing we did was adopt a dog.  We brought him home Wednesday and it feels as if he's always been here. No pictures yet, can't find my damn camera cable.

When Larry was in the hospital in Oakland he said "I need a dog"  I promptly got in touch with my friend who is the director of the hospital for the Humane Society and said "Larry needs a dog"  Carol is the person who found Max for us so I knew she would know the right dog when she saw it.  It had to be big and it had to like cats.  Well, he's definitely big, a combination of Brindled English Mastiff and German Shepherd.  His face looks very Shepard, all black and eyes that just make you melt.  He was raised with 2 cats and 2 small dogs.  The family had to downsize and there just wasn't room for 110 lb dog.  Carol said the owner was weeping when he turned him in and it's easy to see way.  He's about 18 months old as mellow as can be and CUTE.  She sent us pictures of him on Friday, we went to visit on Sunday and fell in love. I went to the shelter fully prepared not to like him but one look at his face and it was love at first sight.  Even better he walked over to Larry who was in his wheel chair and put his great big head in Larry's lap.  Larry just lite up like a Christmas tree.  It was the first time I've seen him really smile since he came home from the hospital. The owner said he was leash trained but my version of leash trained and his are 2 very different things.  I spent half the day yesterday yanking on the leash telling him "don't pull on the leash" and feeling terrible for doing it.   We solved that problem by making a visit to Healdsburg Dog House.  Natalie has a wonderful harness  that circles his body and the way it's designed you can very easily reel him in if you need too, teach his to walk properly at your side and we can leave it on for a long time as we want (I have a feeling it's going to be a long time, he's very smart but he's also 110 lbs and can be some what "difficult" to handle him.  We will be going to dog school but that will have to wait awhile as he's going to be Larry's dog I want Larry to do the bulk of the training.We'd been home about five hours when I glanced over at the couch.  Larry was sitting there, Colin had his head on his lap and was sound asleep.  Last night I couldn't get to my camera fast enough but Larry was stretched out on the couch sleeping and Colin was stretched out on top of him sleeping.The owner said he was leash trained but my version of leash trained are 2 very different things.  I spent half the day yesterday yanking on the leash telling him "don't pull on the leash" and feeling terrible for doing it.   He had to got back to the hospital yesterday to get his foot checked, they had removed a foxtail from his back foot when he came in.  In order to get in there on the appointed time I had to take him to Dr. Sanity's with me.  She frequently has other dogs come to sessions but I was a little worried about his manners of lack thereof to be more accurate.  He behaved very well. And best of all while Colin got his foot checked Carol and I got to spend some time talking to each other.

We used to talk frequently when I was doing volunteer work with Pets Are Loving Support.  But I stopped doing that years ago so our conversations have been via email and phone.  It was a total delight to see here happy and smiling.  Her husband died 4 years ago (hard to believe).  She still gets together with 4 other people that were in her hospice support group once a month which gives her great comfort. That's about it except for the ugly tenant wars and I've turned those back over to Larry.  My brain is fried to a crisp, I angry at them for being so stupid, and angry at myself for being so intolerant.  I'm perfectly happy going back to taking care the the money side.

OMG, I just got off the phone with my 21 yo nephew who is madly in love with Sarah Palin.  I keep telling him I'll eventually convert him from the dark side.  This kid is as smart as a whip, intelligent, funny, witty, loving, caring, supporting but he doesn't have a lot of guidance in  his life.  So while his little brother is attending UNR ( University of Nevada of Reno), he's still attending the local jc trying to find his way.  He's so funny he decided that his apartment was occupied by 2 ghosts so he went to the local Catholic Church he attends in Hollister, got a bottle of holy water and sprinkled it in all four corners of his apartment.  He says the ghost is now gone.  One I established the holy water was not stolen ( don't even ask) I agreed that the ghost was probably gone.  This is why I LOVE to talk to him!

I remember when had him up for a visit when he was about 3.  He's ALWAYS loved mechanical things.  We had a VCR that had died and Larry was going to toss it out, I said NO, let's keep it for Chris it will keep him entertained for hours.  And sure enough it did.  We started of just giving him a screw driver.  Pretty soon the questions started coming "what do you think will happen if I do this, or this or this."  He ended up with a pair of scissors and a wrench in addition to his screw driver.  He had the time of his life.

Well it's time to take Colin out, gee I wonder who's going to do that? So I'll close for now.  I think things have settled down enough that I might get some regular posts going.  But in the meantime I'm thinking of all of you.

If this post seems a little disjointed - it is there's been a lot going on and between dog wrangling and loading the wheelchair into and out of the car my lower back is killing me!

Ya, right on top of things here...

And I thought I was doing so well :)  I got up this morning attended to Larry's needs, hopped in the shower, put on make-up (I seriously cannot tell you the last time I put on make-up even my standard mascara because my allergy has been so bad this year) AND high heels (last time was for a Christmas) party.  Managed to get myself out the door, drive to the venue only to discover that today was not Oct. 1.

Tomorrow, Oct. 1, there is a luncheon honoring my oncologist Dr. Fun. She is retiring from practice, sob, moving to Southern CA, sob, sob, and going into cancer research, ok this is a good thing.

It did result in me remembering to call Marissa to wish her happy 18th birthday, I would have probably totally forgotten.

sorry had to stop momentarily to rescue a mouse from Emme, she is suitably pissed and still checking in the kitchen because she KNOWS it was there.  I think this might have been her very first capture.  I told her how wonderful she was but mice belong outside, not inside - she won't even let me pet her.

Larry continues to amaze me.  There's really very little I need to do for him, except he is  at my mercy when it come to getting his brace on.  That one thing he can't do himself.

I, on the other hand, am pretty sure I left half my brain at one of the hospitals along the way and am totally exhausted.  Dr. Sanity assures me these are perfectly natural reaction to the events of the last 6 - 8 weeks and I will recover after I catch up on my sleep.

Getting from there to here

Yes I know it's usually the other way around and some day it will be again.  But today I'm talking about the past.  It's been almost a year since I've been seeing Dr. Sanity and close to a year since my infamous melt-down in Amy's waiting room. I'd worked myself into a corner from which I saw no way out.  Fortunately my friend Nancy kept bugging me to call Dr. Sanity.  I finally took the plunge not really understanding the dramatically bad mental and emotional shape I was really in.  I thought Dr. Sanity and I would have a few sessions, she'd stamp my passport and there I'd be on my way as a survivor.

One hour on her sofa disabused me of that notion, FAST.  I realized I was barely hanging on by my fingernails.  Back then there were always thoughts of suicide (knives in particular), talks between Amy and Dr. Sanity of whether I should commit  myself to a mental hospital, all darkness, depression and ugliness no matter where I turned, had I waited another week I'd probably be dead and that is a reality

  But it's getting better, not easier but better.Fortunately with the right drug combination and my beloved Dr. Sanity I am working toward that day when she'll stamp my passport and I'll be on my way as a survivor.  It's a slow, painful, often times exquisitely painful exercise.  I take great pride in the fact that this week for the first time ever I did not contact Dr. Sanity in any fashion.  I'm giving myself a big gold star for that.

History lessons

3 years ago this month I was getting into the throws of starting chemo.  I just went back to my archives to see what I had written 3 years ago today.  As it turns out nothing.  But I did post on the 8th and the 10th should any of you be interested in going back into time.

It was the time between having my first treatment 6/30  and the beginning of my hair failing out.  Not a fun time at all, I was convinced I was not going to be able to live through it, I was SO, SO sick.  If you'd asked me then I would have told you it would be a fricking miracle if I was alive at the end of treatment.

But here I am today.  Still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer but alive and (mostly) kicking.

  

Not breast cancer

I just realized that I haven't blogged about my breast cancer for quite a while.  I know this is a blog about my journey through bc, but I find it quite pleasant not to have it on my mind 24 hours a day.  Thank you Dr. Sanity!

Like I've said before once you have been diagnosed and gone the the process of getting rid of it it's always in the back of your mind.  Small things will bring unwanted memories floating back.  I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and laying on my back not moving reminded me a lot about going through chemo.

As you all know chemo was REALLY hard on me.  But obviously it's not the same for everyone.  I heard a few weeks ago of a woman who works until noon on Fridays, has her chemo at 1 and is ready to go back to work on Monday.

I also haven't blogged about a project I'm unsuccessfully working on.  The idea is about year 2 it really hits you that you've had breast cancer.  I'm trying to come up with some sort of emotionally recovery/support plan.  If any on you out there have any ideas or know of any programs please pass them on

starting with today and working sort of backwards

I had a good visit with Dr. Sanity today.  On my visit Friday I had one of those omg it all makes so much sense moments that left me in a puddle on the floor.  When issues happen like that they tend to overpower me  but it was also FWF and I had to make appetizers.  When I got home I put everything away, said over my shoulder to Larry "wake me up at 4:30" and collapsed in bed.I got up and made the stuffing for the brie (sun-dried tomatoes, shallots, basil and butter) it was meant to be served cold but at the last minute I decided to wrap it in puff pastry dough and bake it.  As I was wrapping it, it immediately became clear that I had not rolled my dough out enough.  But I pulled here and pushed there then threw it in the oven because time was short.  I only cooked it half way as I didn't want it to cool down while we drove.
I pulled it out of the oven and man did it look ugly!  But you have to deal with what you got.  So off to Bev & Chase's we go, finshed baking it, still looked ugly but it tasted FABULOUS.  8 People inhaled a 19 oz stuffed brie in no time flat.

Saturday was book club, I cheated on book club because I had found asian lettuce wraps at Costco.  All I needed to add was cut up limes and peanuts. Voila ready for book club.  The book we read this month was beyond wonderful.  I loved every single word in the book.  We all loved it except poor Dianne who had yet to receive her copy.  So we sort of talked around it not wanting to ruin the experience for her.  That means next month we'll have 3 books to discuss as we chose 2 smaller books The Forever War by Dexter Filkins and The Lizard Cage by Karen Connolly.

And yesterday I recovered from Friday with Dr. Sanity, FWF and book club!

Dr. Sanity and me

Well I survived another 3 month check in the building I hate so much - you can look in my archives if you want details but it's the building where my medical and radiation oncologists practice, where I had chemo and radiation.  The building has horrible vibes.  But I love my medical oncologist so I take a deep breath before I walk in the door, tell the building how much I hate it and go upstairs to Dr. Fun's office.

I sailed out of Dr. Sanity's office yesterday assuring her I would be just fine.  And I mostly was which was a nice change of pace.  I had Dr. Sanity's rock and the tricks she's taught me to fill the time I had to wait for Dr. Fun, because you ALWAYS have to wait for Dr. Fun.  She's that kind of doc, she'll spend as much time with you as you need even if it means the next patient waits.  And patients accept it because she is so wonderful.

To my way of thinking a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient should be handed a prescription for Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug) and a referral to a therapist who has done GOOD work with bc patients in the past immediately on being told of the diagnosis.  Those first few weeks are so frightening, bewildering and down right confusing that having a therapist by your side would be really helpful.

I had a therapist before Dr. Sanity that I also adored.  Very different in style than Dr. Sanity but wonderful.  Unfortunately she developed bc after I did and although our journey was the same our pathways weren't and we lost our connection.

I stupidly waited until I was in such bad shape I considered suicide my only way out.  Dr. Sanity told me yesterday that the years between 2 and 5 are the worst.  I'm here to testify to that fact.

So if you're one of those people out there who needs help, please, please, please don't be like me.  ASK FOR HELP!

The joy of the tribe

I had another wonderful session with Dr. Sanity today.  We talked about a post I sent her Saturday, we have a private blog only she and I have the passwords.  I had to convince her that it was safe because she  is VERY into protecting people's privacy.  I  told her that I ALWAYS have words running through my mind and I didn't feel right calling her 20 times a day to talk after all she has other patients and a life.  That won her over.

Then I filled her in on yesterday's event.  I felt like my real self for the first time in a looonnnggg, looonnnggg time. Just totally present and joyful.  I think it was because I got to reconnect with the Tribe.  We don't have Council meetings as often as we did so we don't get to keep in touch like we used to.  Here was a collective group of women who have been on the same journey I've been on.  Our paths have been very different due to the different circumstances of our cancers and even the years we were diagnosed.  One friend was diagnosed in 1986 in those days in was a mastectomy no choice.

Thank God that times have changed, new diagnostic techniques, new surgery techniques, new drugs, new radiation techniques.  All this has made great changes for anyone who may find that errant lump.

Even the some of the MD part of the tribe was there.  Amy, Charlie, Dennis, Lea all of us having taken this journey.  Being with this group is like being home because they all understand or have been there themselves.

It was blissful and I remain blissful.  Hope it stays around for a while.

My New Mondays

I've managed to get myself in one of those weird sleep cycles again.  I'm up until 3 or 5 then sleep at least til noon or 1 or 2.  It's really hard to accomplish anything when half the day is gone.

So my new Monday will consist of going to the gym in the morning, seeing Dr. Sanity at 3 then, weather permitting going to the beach.  I say weather permitting because summer is the season of fog in Northern Ca.  You can sometimes drive to the beach and not even see it because of the fog.

 For as Mark Twain is rumored to have said "The coldest winter I ever saw was the summer I spent in San Francisco."

The true test will be this Monday morning as in addition to the above I have an appointment at 9 am.  I know all of you that know me in person will fall to the ground in hysterical laughter - I'm not exactly know as a morning person.