Well, it's not going to kill you

No wonder you feel like crap

Thus spoke the learned Dr. Shaw this evening.  My appointment was really at 2, however I got stuck in traffic and didn't make it to her office until 2:25.  She couldn't see me.  I just broke down in tears.  I've been holding on for weeks now telling myself you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, you'll see Amy in a couple of weeks, chant, chant, chant.  When I thought I wasn't going to be able to I just lost it.  Her staff was saying "oh don't cry".  Fortunately she could see me at 7:15.  I got there at 7 and was ushered into a room on the spot.  I was still changing clothes when she walked in the door.

She apologized for not being able to see me earlier and I started to talk then just broke into tears again.  We established that I haven't been feeling good for a while and agreed that an increase in antidepressant was in order.  Just the Lexapro as I'm not anxious, just depressed.  Also need to get my thyroid rechecked because it's been on the low side and may be contributing to the all over crapiness.

Along with that she took 4 little pieces of glass out of my foot (staph infection) examined my good breast (another staph infection) and spoke her inspiring words - This isn't helping when you already feel like crap.

She took a nose culture as I may be a colonizer, which means that I might be harboring the staph in my sinuses and it's spreading around my body.

We discussed lots of the triple negative questions I had - they don't research people like me, imagine my surprise - so most of the data I've found doesn't apply.  My tumor was found by a combination of great timing and new technology.  Can I be my own study group??  I'll have to talk to Dr. Fun about that.

In relation to the accidental finding I asked about seeing her or Dr. Fun every 3 months.  It turned out I'm seeing them more for the sake of my mental health rather than my physical health.  Works for me, now I feel as if I have permission not to bullshit them about how I'm really coping.  Charlie's apparently in charge of the breast health.  Also fine with me as he's the first person they all ask if I've seen when there's a problem.

There's your update for the day.  I'm still going to call a therapist, I will do that tomorrow but now I'm off to soak my staphy foot.

Ignorance is not bliss

I'm catching up on my blog reading.  I went to At least it's a "good" cancer and reread Jenny's post from a while back.  The first time I read it I had concentrated on her getting to her 2 year milestone.  This time I concentrated on the friend of a friend who had been told that there would be no testing on her tumor.

WTF?  No testing???  How in the hell would her docs know how to treat her?  They decided to assume that because most breast cancer is hormone related, her's was as well and that was how they determined her treatment!  Yep, hormone therapy and no chemo.  Fortunately their mutual friend pushed her to get testing done.  As the post was written the testing had not yet been completed.

But what if this woman turned out to be triple negative?  Chemo makes all the difference in triple negative breast cancer.  Hormone therapy does absolutely nothing.  Period, nothing.

Any of you out there that have been told there will be no testing done on your tumor stand up and fight.  Be pushy, be loud, be stubborn, be rude if you have to, use the "m" word (you know malpractice) it could mean the difference between life and death.  Literally.

Adequate healthcare

We were listening to the radio in the car today as we headed out to get some documents notarized.  YEA we sold one of our timeshares.  We went a little timeshare crazy and as a result we have one in New Orleans (undamaged by Katrina), one in Mexico, two, now one, in Hawaii and Shell Vacations club.  However that information  is not the point of the story so I will start over.

Picture LR, Max and myself in the car.  The radio is speaking to us, an ad comes on for Good Sam hospital in San Jose.  Apparently it is one of only 66 expert cancer center in the US.  I don't know who decided the 66 centers because noth7yy8076 (that was Sophie's addition) nothing comes up on google.

It started me thinking about the care I received and what other people might have experienced.  The ad mentioned about pinpointing exactly where the tumor is.  Yep, ultrasound and/or MRI. The day I had surgery- whoa 2 years ago today- after checking in at the hospital I was limoed over to the Breast Care Center to have the wonderful Dr. McDonald place a wire in my breast that led exactly to the tumor so Charlie knew exactly where to operate.

 And having the most current protocoll, yep I got inundated with info from my medical oncologist Dr. Fun and Amy.  These women read extensively and are up on the most current information regarding breast cancer.

There was something faster recovery periods and better response rates. I don't think any of those would have changed my making trips down to San Jose.

I KNOW I had the best care available bar none.  If and when I decide on reduction for my other breast, which insurance has to pay for, I know I'll need to head to San Francisco.  We're just not lucky enough to have a great breast plastic surgeon in the area.  Of course you didn't hear that from me.

I can help

I have 4 strong paws, I can help

That's Sophie's theme song.  She long ago (she's 15)  appointed herself my personal assistant.

You need someone to help you post, maybe walk across the keyboard at random but inopportune moments?  I'm right here.  Or perhaps to help brush your teeth, put on you mascara, read the paper?  Here, I'm right here.  Have you ever tried to apply mascara with a small but persistent cat head bumping your elbow?  It can be somewhat challenging.  

Maybe just someone to lay next to the computer and watch your every move (it's hard to lay on top of a flat screen monitor just ask her, she's tried).  Or I could drink out of your water glass because who wants to drink out of 1 of the 3 water bowls around the house when there's a perfectly good glass with possibly 1/4 inch of water sitting right here.

Better yet I can sit on the back of your chair and groom you!  She and Ted both do that.  I freaked me out when I was going through chemo I was afraid they would some how be effected by the drugs but we all lived through it and are here to tell our stories.

Now if I could only get her to clean the litter box :)

Pain

Pain is a very subjective thing.  As in my knee was killing me Sunday night and yesterday.  The pain was pain pill bad.  As I was lying in my pain pill haze I started thinking about the different kinds of pain I experienced in the last 1 1/2 years. Omg is that all it's been? 

So back to pain.  That was one thing I feared after my diagnosis was being in pain.  I didn't exactly know why I might be in pain was I was afraid of it.  As it turned out except for the surgeries I wasn't really in that much pain.  The first surgery was so so painful.  Luckily Charlie is not sparing with the pain meds.  The second was not as bad because I knew what to expect.  Nothing else during the course of treatment was painful.  Chemo just made me sick and radiation was just tedious.

For real pain I nominate the surgery after my perforated bowel. OMG, OMG, OMG the pain was horrific.  So bad they keeping giving me morphine and then I ended up in ICU because I had so much morphine on board.  That pain, fortunately not at that level, seemed to last forever.  Pain pills were the only reason I was able to make the flight home.

Then there's the knee pain.  It's usually just a dull ache but sometimes, obviously, gets worse.  Since I had surgery, yes more surgery, on the knee it's much better.  Advil gets through the worst of it.

So there you have it, my triest, ok I know that's not how it's spelled but spellcheck doesn't know either, on pain.

In other news today

I saw the ever wonderful Charlie today so he could examine his handy work and remove one lingering stitch.  He pronounced everything just fine so I'll probably just be seeing him and BCC meetings and events.

We then drove to Los Altos to attend the funeral for the father of a dear friend of mine.  We were roommates almost 30 , gasp!, years ago.  Her father was one of the most kind and patient people I've ever known.  My favorite memory of him is the painting of my bedroom when I moved in.  I wanted a certain shade of blue.  John patiently added white to the blue, I kept saying not the right shade yet.  We continued in this manner until the correct shade was conjured up.

His death has brought up a few issues.  Carol is now an orphan, if one can be an orphan at 54, her mother died 12 years ago.  This means that when my mom, a very healthy soon to be 80, dies I'll be an orphan.  The brings the question, can you be an orphan when you're a grown up?  Any opinions?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

Today is the one year anniversary of my LAST chemo treatment.  That's what I call an anniversary.

I'm back

I took a little break because I decided I was getting to whinny.  In the mean time I've had my six month follow-up.  All is well.  Considering I've had 4 breast exams and an ultrasound in the past couple of weeks it's no surprise.  My port removal site is healing nicely and my knee is coming along fine, although with all the other MD appts I haven't made it to PT as much as I should.  I had a follow up with the orthopedic surgeon and he extended my authorization for PT.  That's good as I still need some work.  I've decided after my knee is out of rehab I'm going to join a gym. 

I've been holding steady at a 30 lb lose for weeks now.  It's getting very old.   My friend Erin belongs to the Airport Health Club so I'm going to join and we'll work out together a couple of times a week.  The big appeal for me is the heated pool that's open year round.  I love to swim!

And to fill more time I cleaned my closet.  It was getting REALLY messy, even for me.  It's amazing how many clothes don't fit after you've lost 30 lbs and none of them were staying in my closet.  I included the "if you haven't worn it in a year" stuff, culled my shoes and ended up 9 boxes and 2 big bags to give to the Salvation Army (the shoes took 2 boxes I looooovvvvee shoes and earrings).  Now I open my closet door and gaze upon the tidy shelves with their neatly folded contents.  The hanging racks are once again sorted, shirt with shirts, pants with pants, etc.  I'm trying to keep it neat because it looks so nice - all full of colors, not much black, brown, gray, etc- but neatness is not my strong suit. 

Next I'm tackling my desk, oh my.  It's almost as bad as the closet.  Then there's the "corner" where stuff gets stashed before it's supposed to be taken downstairs and the pantry that needs a BIG reorganization ...

Another milestone

I had my full mammogram today, the first since my diagnosis last year.  Everything looks great.  Luckily the wonderful Dr. McDonald was there and read my pictures immediately so I didn't have to wait around for an answer.  Big sigh of relief there!

Weighty issues

I learned from Dr. Fun on Thursday that weight for women with estrogen receptor negative tumors such as mine are an issue.  Of course I can't remember the exact number, and since I currently have a cat draped across my lap I can't get it, under a certain body mass index number you are weight wise the lower your recurrence rate.  By 7%!  Yes that's a nasty sentence but you get the general idea.  So she decided my goal weight is 178.  That's another 35lbs I need to lose.  So I figure a couple more rounds of chemo so do it just fine.  Just a joke folks.  I'll do it the slow old fashion way this time.